You’ve heard ‘Ghosting’, and maybe you’ve even experienced ‘Throning’ but have you heard of the dating trend ‘Pocketing’? If the answer is no, there’s a big reason why. This concerning dating trend often flies under the radar and seemingly squashes our chances of finding ‘the one’. While pocketing is not entirely new, it has become more prevalent in our hyper-connected digital age, and it’s crucial to be able to spot the signs.

What is pocketing?

Pocketing occurs when someone deliberately keeps their romantic partner hidden from their broader social circle. This means avoiding introductions to friends and family, maintaining minimal social media presence about the relationship, and essentially keeping their partner metaphorically tucked away in their ‘back pocket’. At its core, pocketing is a form of emotional distancing. The ‘pocketer’ creates a separate compartment for the relationship, isolating their partner from the rest of their life. This can leave the ‘pocketed’ partner feeling undervalued, confused, and questioning the relationship’s authenticity.

Signs of Pocketing

This is where things can get tricky. While there can be several signs of pocketing, they are generally the same signs that someone just wants to take it slow! But the difference can be in the response to any questions or pressure to meet the pocketer’s social circle. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. What are the signs of pocketing? Well, from my clinical observations, some common signs of pocketing include:

1. Consistent reluctance to introduce you to friends or family
2. Absence of the relationship on social media platforms
3. Exclusion from social events or gatherings
4. Vague or evasive responses when asked about meeting their inner circle
5. A general sense of being kept at arm’s length from their personal life

Why Does Pocketing Happen?

There can be a few reasons why pocketing happens, and often, they’ve got nothing to do with the person that’s been pocketed (read, they’re psychological motivations that the “pocketer” – for want of a better word – needs to work through):

1. Relationship Uncertainty: Some people are unsure about the relationship’s potential and therefore hesitate to integrate their partner fully. They may fear investing too much emotionally or socially in a relationship if they’re not certain about it or it hasn’t quite been timely enough for this.
2. Fear of Vulnerability: There’s often an underlying anxiety about exposing the relationship to external judgment or potential criticism. This fear can be particularly acute if the individual has experienced past relationship traumas or social rejections.
3. Attachment Insecurities: Past traumas or low self-esteem can drive people to keep relationships compartmentalised. This can be a defensive mechanism to protect oneself from potential hurt or disappointment.
4. Cultural or Family Pressures: In some cases, cultural expectations or family dynamics may influence someone to keep a relationship private until they feel it meets certain criteria or milestones.
5. Commitment Issues: For some, keeping a partner ‘pocketed’ is a way to maintain a sense of freedom or avoid the perceived constraints of a fully committed relationship. This of course can mean that for all intents and purposes they are still communicating to the wider world that they are “single”.
6. Desire for Control: Pocketing can sometimes be a means of maintaining control over the relationship’s pace and depth.

What to do if you’re being pocketed?

If you suspect you’re being ‘pocketed’, my recommendation is to approach it with compassion, but be direct. First, examine your own feelings and expectations. Are you comfortable with the current pace of the relationship? Are your needs being met? Then, initiate a conversation with your partner about your feelings. This doesn’t need to be a big scary accusatory conversation. Instead, you can bring it up casually by using “I” statements to express your perspective. For example, “Alex sounds like a really nice guy. When do you think I’ll get to meet him?” or “I feel a little left out when I don’t get to meet the important people in your life.” If you don’t get much clarity, inquire further about their reasons for keeping the relationship separate from other aspects of their life. Their response can provide valuable insights into their motivations and feelings about the relationship. Then, discuss your desires for the relationship, including how you envision integrating into each other’s lives. Be open to compromise, but also be clear about your needs. If your partner expresses a genuine desire to change, allow them time to do so. Change can be challenging, especially if deep-seated fears or insecurities are involved.

However, it’s important to also be aware that pocketing can have an emotional impact on you. It can lead to decreased self-esteem and self-worth, increased anxiety about the relationship’s status, feelings of isolation and loneliness, and trust issues which can often extend to future relationships. Always ensure that if the issue persists or causes significant distress, consider seeking professional help.

As a psychologist, I always emphasize the importance of viewing relationships holistically. Remember, every relationship develops at its own pace. What matters most is mutual respect, transparent communication, and a genuine desire to build a meaningful connection. It’s also important to recognize that some degree of privacy or gradual integration is normal and healthy in a developing relationship. The key is to distinguish between a natural, comfortable progression and a persistent pattern of exclusion that leaves one partner feeling undervalued. 

Moving Forward

If you find yourself in a ‘pocketing’ situation, remember that your feelings are indeed valid. You deserve a relationship where you feel valued, acknowledged, and integrated into your partner’s life in a way that feels comfortable for both of you. With open communication, patience, and mutual effort, many couples can work through these issues and build a stronger, more integrated relationship. However, if your partner consistently dismisses your concerns or shows no willingness to change despite honest discussions, it may be time to reevaluate whether the relationship aligns with your needs and values. Regardless of the reasons why, if the relationship is not meeting your needs for a full-fledged relationship in each other’s lives, then it may be time to say I love you, goodbye.

Dr. Maria-Elena Lukeides is a highly experienced clinical psychologist based in Sydney, with over 25 years of expertise in the field of psychology. She is the founder of counselling clinics in Paddington and Clovelly that specialise in treating a wide range of psychological issues, including anxiety, depression, trauma, and PTSD. Find out more at www.drmariaelenalukeides.com.au or follow her on Instagram at  www.instagram.com/drmariaelena_lukeides